Classic SPE #2

The next day...
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Me: Okay, so the Green Giant broccoli cuts go...


Immaturity: Up your ass!

Me: What the...oh come on, not this again...

Work Ethic: Shush, ignore them. You just keep on keeping on, friend. Go do the eggs.

Me: Eggs. Right. I'm on it.

Bad Joke Center: Technically, the hens were on it.

Work Ethic: Oh ha ha, very funny. Go away. Okay, put the eggs away.

Me: Got it.

Overreaction: Did that woman just wink at us? YES! You're in!

Me: Wait, what?

Libido: Totally hit that shit, man.

Self-Preservation: She's like fifty and fat, dude.

Anxiety: That could be us in thirty years.

Me: What's happening?

Libido: RED ALERT! RED ALERT! BIG STORM RISING!

Self-Preservation: Don't rise! For the love of God, don't rise!

Self-Respect: Come on, man, you're better than that! Control it!

Me: I don't know what's going on!

Libido: It...is...alive!

Self-Preservation and Respect: Nooooooooo!

Internal Sadist: Punch yourself in the sack. Hard.

Self-Loathing: Good plan.

Me: Stop agreeing!

Work Ethic: Ignore it and get back to shelving eggs. Work is no time for an erection.

Pervert: Unless it's over the bakery chick. Me-ow!

Me: But she's not here today!

Reckless Endangerment: Dude, we should see how long we can sit naked in the freezer before our ass gets frostbite.

Me: What? No!

Latent Psychopathy: We could hang small children on the meathooks in the cooler!

Me: But...there aren't...what? Meathooks?

Hopeless Optimism: Why not just smell the roses?

Everyone: SHUT THE FUCK UP, OPTIMISM!

Hopeless Optimism: Fuck you! Fuck all of you! I have as much right to speak as any of you so if you have a problem with that, pucker up and kiss my left nut you assholes!

OCD: PEAS! THERE ARE PEAS IN THE CHEESE SECTION! FUCKING PEAS!

Latent Psychopathy: Hunt them down by scent and violate them with a wine bottle!

Inner Child: I wanna play racecar!

Me: There are EGGS on the CART. They might BREAK.

Internal Sadist: Fuck the eggs. Throw them at grandmas.

Latent Psychopathy: Yeah! They might break a hip and we can suck the sweet, sweet marrow out!

Me: Dude, sick...

Sixth Sex Sense: Hot Latin-looking chick. Possibly legal. 8:00.

Libido: Where? Can we flirt with her? Flirt with her! Why aren't you flirting with her?

Pragmatism: Ding, ding, ding. Sexual harassment ring a bell?

Pervert: Hey, know where her panties belong?

Me: I swear to God, if it's "in your mouth"...

Pervert: In your mouth! Hah!

Latent Psychopathy: She's getting away! Now how can you kill her and rape her corpse?

Me: Go AWAY! You're getting creepier by the minute.

Paranoia: We're all getting creepier. Can't you tell by the nervous looks we're getting?

Me: Oh great, you woke up Paranoia. Just fucking great.

Work Ethic: Milk's tipping! MILK IS TIPPING!

Me: Shit!

Everyone: Get it! Go! Hurry!

Relief: You saved it. Way to go!

Libido: Yeah, great job. Go crank one out. You've earned it.

Inner Child: Race car! Race car!

Work Ethic: After work, maybe. Okay?

Inner Child: Yay!

Sports Freak: We should shoot some hoops, man!

Me: It's raining out and we're inside doing work.

Sports Freak: Oh. Well...football then?

Latent Psychopathy: Yeah! Chop block some five year olds!

Internal Sadist: Maybe we'll tear an ACL. That'd be sweet.

Self-Preservation: You're not looking so hot, man. We should stay out of the freezer for a minute.

Overreaction: That guy just called you a great salesman! A GREAT salesman! GREAT!

Self-Loathing: He also said you should sell cars. He's implying you're sleazy and underhanded.

Rationalization: So? If it works, it's a good thing, right?

Me: Um, I'm not sure that's right...

Writer: You've got another blog entry!

Me: Oh damnit to Hell.

Spiritual Side: Someone call me?

Me: *groans*